Take control of your life

“What do you fancy for dinner?”, my husband says as he pops his head around my office door. “It’s okay”, I say, “I’ll cook”.

An hour later he returns. “Shall I prep anything? Or get something out of the freezer.”

“No, really it’s fine. I’ll sort it.”, I say. I can feel a flutter of irritation in the pit of my stomach. I’m really in a nice state of flow and could do without the distraction.

“It’s just it’s five-thirty and I really don’t think the kids can last much longer”, he says sheepishly and disappears.

Now he’s made me feel guilty about working and even though I try to continue typing. The motivation has left. I feel the irritation grow. An expanding, red ball of angst sits large in my torso. My chest is tight from the pressure and as a result, my breathing shallows and I feel uncomfortable.

Resigned to finishing work, I drop my laptop lid and look up to the ceiling. I have no idea what to cook. I may give them a treat and let them have pizza. Although, they had fish fingers yesterday and nuggets the day before. I need to cook something healthy tonight but it’ll take at least another hour before I can get it on the table.

It’ll be worth it though. Getting those healthy nutrients into my bubbas. I know that if I didn’t have the family to care for I’d be in senior management by now. Even a director. However, I love being a mum and they need me more. Maybe when they’re older.

I get up and make my way into the kitchen. My husband’s chopping carrots.

“Baked potatoes”, he says cheerfully, “It’ll be 10 minutes. I’ve done a salad too.”

Outraged, my eyes go a bit fuzzy and my throat gets tight, “But, I said I was going to cook.”

His shoulders drop as he lets out a big sigh. He turns, looking exasperated, “You were busy with work, so I cooked.” Voices in the living room have lowered.

“You think I should have stopped work earlier. I have a career too, you know”. My voice is tight and angry. “Thank you for cooking but you really didn’t need to. Anyhow, how was your day?”. I know there’s no need to argue but he’s always doing things that highlight my failure. The tension dissipates and we hug. The food is good and all seem happy.

I tidy up after dinner and spend time getting the kids ready for bed. He takes the dog for a walk. After a bit of social media surfing, I decide to sit in bed and watch a program, while catching up on emails. I then realize that I haven’t ordered the food shop for tomorrow. I have an hour to get the order in. I sit up, long after he’s fallen to sleep. The order is in with just minutes to spare.

Why do I have to do everything?

Cause and Effect

In NLP, we use the term Cause to describe the state of being fully responsible for our selves. It’s a place in which we say, “I am in control of what I feel, what I think and what I do.”.

The co-founder of NLP asked, “Who’s driving the bus?”.

When we’re at cause we say, “I am”.

Being at Cause means that you make decisions to create the life you want. You regularly review your situation and choose actions that get you closer to what you want. You have the power to make change real.

take responsibility for your life

The opposite to Cause is Effect.

When at Effect, the person blames circumstances or those outside themselves for what they feel, what they think and what they do. They give away their power to make real change.

Signs that someone is at effect include:

  • Blaming others
  • Missing deadlines
  • Avoiding situations where there is potential for challenge or risk
  • Complaining about other people
  • Saying thinks like…
he makes me feel guilty and angry

People leading their lives in Effect, are more likely to be unsatisfied with their life. Often irritated by others or fed up with life’s unfairness. Those around them will often live in a similar state while those who don’t, stand out as being ‘happy’ or ‘lucky’.

Some people experience trauma in their lives. As a result, their lives and the lives of those around them are often negatively impacted until they realise they too can make a different choice in how they think, feel and do.

Helping people to live more of their lives at Cause is one of my main goals. To do this I may need to help them let go of the effects of past trauma and look at life in a different way.

If you would like to know more about creating the life you want. Whether it’s career, relationships, finances or health then email me at laura@clarityatwork.co.uk

My name is Laura Kingdon and I’m a Transformation Coach. I help people set goals, overcome obstacles and create a plan to achieve a life they really love.

change you life

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